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A Letter to Tony Perkins

Dear Tony,

I am so excited to hear that you found liberty this past Sunday.

I went to church to worship God, since it was the holy Sabbath day, so I missed this much more important event of yours.

What a wonderful feeling that must be to finally be free! Hopefully this is the beginning of Christian liberty in America. Maybe we will soon be free and safe like Christians are in other nations, such as North Korea, Sudan and Iran.

It is high time we Christians start demanding our liberty. After all, we have no voice or freedoms in America. What we need is someone like you in Washington fighting to get us power and liberty. Maybe some day because of your efforts we will have a Christian as president. Maybe we’ll even see the day when most congressmen and Supreme Court justices are also Christians. Wow, then our nation will be perfect! No more wars, corruption or sex scandals.

It is that dream of a nation led by Christians that led me to write you this congratulatory note about “Liberty Sunday.”

When I first heard about the rally, I had no idea it was an anti-homosexuality rally. That was really clever of you guys. I would have never thought that banning anyone’s right to marriage could be called “liberty.” Kudos on your Orwellian mastery of language! God must be so proud of you.

It was also a clever trick to use a photo of the Old North Church on your advertisements. It is an Episcopalian church, which is the denomination with the bishop who is gay (or, to use the Christ-like terms that “Liberty Sunday” speaker Wellington Boone used at a different Family Research Council event, “faggot” and “sissy”).

I know some homosexuals today often view that church as a place where they are welcomed and affirmed, so good job trying to symbolically spit in their face. They need to know they are not welcomed or affirmed! We must follow the example of Jesus and not hang out with sinners.

Of course, it was also good to use that church, since it helped play on the heroism of Paul Revere and other Bostonians. In your promotional materials you called Boston “a birthplace of America’s liberty.”

As a Baptist I’m often told it was Roger Williams in Rhode Island who created the first colony with true religious liberty. But I now realize you are correct. By kicking Williams out, the Massachusetts Bay Colony created true religious liberty. Likewise, kicking gays out of our nation will give us liberty. Anyway, Williams was probably gay since he dared challenge the religious leaders. He might not have been gay, but we should say it—the truth does not really matter as much as helping the Republicans win elections.

Speaking of ignoring the truth, I was intrigued by many of the exaggerations made at the event Sunday. I was particularly shocked to learn from speaker Roberto Miranda that Massachusetts was “the birthplace of Christianity.” Wow! And here I thought Israel deserved such honor.

Is that why you all had Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney there? As a Mormon he must be closer to the truth of Jesus starting Christianity in America. I guess I’ll vote for him for president now.

I was alarmed when Romney explained that by allowing same-sex marriage, “activist judges struck a blow to the foundation of civilization.” I had no clue that same-sex marriage was so dangerous!

I need to go and read the book of Revelation again to catch this. I sure do not want to be left behind because of same-sex marriage. I bet the antichrist will be gay. You should make that the title of your next video or book.

I was most impressed by the sermon by Wellington Boone as he argued that “sodomites” should be subjected to capital punishment. What a great idea! There is no better way to share the love of Jesus than to kill homosexuals. I hope everyone in America was listening to this rational and godly man.

About the only thing I would have liked to have seen, Mr. Perkins, was more of your personal story. Let us know about your past bondage so we can understand how great your new liberty must feel.

You could have told us how you brought a mailing list from former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke so you could win a political election. Or, you could have told us how you spoke to the Louisiana chapter of the racist organization the Council of Conservative Citizens. Either of this could have helped us know that you understand what it is like to be a slave!

Oh well, there is always the chance to cover that in Liberty Sunday II or III. I’m assuming there will be a trilogy like with the “Justice Sunday” rallies that fought for Bush’s divinely chosen court nominees.

Continuing this new series will be as important as it was to film the sequels to “Bring it On” and “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” Keep up the great and important work of spreading the hate of God. I am sure God will have plenty to say to you someday because of this!

Love (in a completely pure and heterosexual a manner),

Brian

Brian Kaylor is communications specialist with the Baptist General Convention of Missouri.